Archive for In
June 15, 2010 at 3:41 pm · Filed under In, RUR!
My old Psycho prof was right. There is no such thing as “fair,” not in an environment where every little thing that changes puts it out of balance. But is trying to make it as close to “fair” the main component of being human? Is it so hard to accept a concept of “fairness” in an unbalanced environment?
If a robber is caught by the police, but the person he robbed from didn’t want to press charges, would it be fair to the other people he had stolen from? If a mayor’s daughter was murdered, and the mayor insists on putting all the police efforts on catching the killer, would it be fair to the other families whose loved ones were murdered by other people?
There are rules against this, of course. But the human component of insistence, persistence, cunning, and that particular habit of picking which rules apply to oneself steps in to ensure that one gets what one desires. It is this very thing that fucking pisses me off.
How can one stay objective and fair if things are taken into personal account? How can one’s judgment not be clouded when personal “feelings” are at stake (especially that most annoying thing called pride)? Every little thing is a personal matter in one way or another.
I am so incredibly confused and annoyed.
June 10, 2010 at 5:53 am · Filed under In
Four months.
I wasted four months of my life on that stupid game. Man. (I’m still at it though; but not as much. EH CRIMMY <3)
Lately I have been looking to other people for some kind of approval that what I’m doing is not completely useless. I’ve noticed that it’s growing in frequency as the years go by. Naturally I’d put on some bullshit about not caring what people think; but there are these people in my life whose opinions I value so much that it’d probably a big hit to my pride if they ever said anything negative about me or what I’m doing.
No—I’d probably want to dig a hole and die in it—would be a better way to put it.
God. When did I become this spineless? Or maybe I’m just not satisfied anymore.
September 11, 2009 at 7:01 am · Filed under In, RUR!
I have figured out one very important thing that keeps me from successfully producing decent writing: references. My [perhaps irrational] fear of mucking up some fact in a fictional spin is enough to keep the very, very thick and very, very high wall strong between me and beautiful, luscious, juicy inspiration.
I lack the experience and knowledge to fuel more than three quarters of my multiple plots. I have so much I want to do beyond simply reading about things like scent-detection or the subtle magic of creating perfumes. My brainstorming thoughts are becoming more disjointed and more vague by the week. If I keep this up, for sure I will lose yet another skill I’ve striven to culture since childhood.
Yes. I know I am holding myself back. I don’t know why; paranoia, maybe…that incorrigible niggling in your gut that feeds the darkness and despair in your mind that tells you how useless you are to even bother trying.
Some days I just want to let it all out and scream like a madwoman. I feel so stifled by my own inadequacies and expectations, so used to getting things right the first time. I have a certainty that this frustration will one day kill me. I just know it.
This isn’t the reason why I can’t sleep, although it plays a small part. I am thoroughly convinced that my brothers are plotting my death, or are waiting for me to snap, or kill myself. I don’t think I’ll give them the satisfaction. So instead of being rudely awakened at an ungodly hour for the third day in a row, I am simply staying up.
..and I will crash in the middle of the day.
Yes. 4am is an ungodly hour for a person who indulges in sleep.
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